Confidence Building

Sang Ayu Made Sriani

My early years

I was born without any handicap and had a happy childhood but this only lasted until 1980, when I was five years old. I had a long lasting fever. I was taken to see dukuns and doctors but nobody could make me better. In the end, my whole body felt weak but I was still able to walk although not normally. I had contracted polio. When I was seven years old, I was sent to a normal [public? state? local?] school. To get to school my parents often had to assist me and sometimes my friends helped me. I still was keen to learn and did well. However because of my physical condition I didn’t do very well at sport. When I finished primary school in 1988 I wanted to continue on to junior high school. I often fell down and the school was quite a long way from home and my parents weren’t able to go with me all the time. I didn’t have a wheelchair then. I kept thinking about how I could go to school but I just became sicker.

I kept trying to walk but fell down more and more often and finally I felt frightened about getting up. After that I just sat around at home. If I wanted to go anywhere, I had to be carried by my father. I began to feel hopeless and useless and my parents couldn’t do anything because at the time they were struggling financially. Our family wasn’t well off as my father was just a simple farmer who worked in a ricefield owned by someone else.

My life begins to change

In the year 2000, after many years of living with regret and hopelessness, I met Begionia Lopes from the Kupu Kupu Foundation. She had heard about me through Putu Suriati and promised to give me a wheelchair. After a few days Pak Jan from Germany brought the chair and patiently showed me how to use it. I felt so glad and overcome with happiness because I could at last see some hope for a better life. Later Pak Jan took me to the training centre in Bangli [what training centre?] and I was quite amazed. I just stared at the people and in my heart I asked myself a thousand questions: why were there so many people disabled like me. How could they be so cheerful? How come they were such clever artists? Why were they so self confident? Why, before this, had I felt all alone while there were many other people who were worse off than I was yet they still remained cheerful? Possibly, I asked myself these questions because I had rarely been out.

In 2001 I met Pak Vern. He had heard about me from Pak Jan who told me that Vern too used a wheelchair. The first time I met him he had invited me to his house where there was an exhibition of paintings by Putu Suriati and Made Tempo. Later on, Vern invited me to go out on a tour with him, Putu, Ketut Sri and my younger sister, who also has polio. When we arrived at our destination in Bedugul, I just sat in the car because I didn’t want people to see me. And I felt the same embarrassment when I was taken to visit other friends. I always had the same feeling of anxiety whenever I went anywhere where there were a lot of people — I didn’t know what to do. Gradually, as I went out more often, I overcame my feelings of embarrassment so that now I don’t feel shy at all. When I remember those times I want to laugh; why did I need to go so far away just to sit shyly when I could do the same thing at home! Maybe I was being shown that I wasn’t the only one with a disability and that I needed to open my eyes and heart. That was the process I went through to become as I am now; able to accept myself as I am and continuing to develop. I don’t want to live a life full of regrets. I want to enjoy my life, which is so full of love emanating from people around me.

Pak Vern and Putu Suriati, the people who set up the Senang Hati Foundation and actively try to get donations for the foundation, told the story of my life to Ibu Yantin — a volunteer who works with disabled people. She asked me how I wanted to better my life. I told her I wanted to study computers! I asked whether she thought that I should undertake the study of computers because my hands were weak due to polio. Ibu Yantin assured me that I should. She found me a sponsor and I took a course at Bali Hati for one year. Even after I finished, I wondered what my studying was for and where I could channel my new skills.

The Senang Hati Foundation

I experienced quite a change — it was as if my suffering, my embarrassment and my hopelessness were gone and replaced by feelings of self assurance and happiness because I could mix with friends who had similar problems. I could share experiences and stories and skills with others. At the foundation I have learned many things and feel as though I have discovered how to live again. Though I am aware of my limitations in movement, I feel that I can contribute something of value to others. As a member of the foundation I want to help as much as I can by typing, writing letters and organizing the finances. I want to do whatever I can to advance myself and the foundation — the wonderful place where we learn independence and self respect. The skills that I have already gained have caused my self confidence, happiness, and pride to grow, because I am able to contribute something to many people although I have a disability. I am still useful. Apart from helping the foundation, I also make myself available to teach computer skills to friends there and to others who live near by.

When I began teaching, I lacked confidence because the people who were learning from me included a teacher, an office worker and a manager of a co-operative. But I am enthusiastic and enjoy this work.

What I hope for the future

I really want to deepen my knowledge of computers so that I am not just partly competent. I would be very happy for the opportunity to gain additional computer experience. I also hope that in the future I will be offered challenging employment, so that I can earn my own living and expand my understanding of computers.